potty training and other schemes to drive parents insane

Potty training is one of those parenting responsibilities that with the first kid you look forward to. Basically because you have no idea what you're doing anyway. There are books and bribes and videos and toys and techniques and, you name it, with advice on how to get Junior to go potty. And you read a few or all of them and either have wild success and brag to all the mommies at playgroup how smart and advanced Junior is because he caught on right away... (not knowing it had NOTHING to do with your tricks but rather HIS readiness and willingness). Or you find yourself feeling like a big fat failure and wondering if your kid will EVER use the potty, and on the days when you think you cannot clean up one.more.mess. you might just find yourself sitting in the corner sucking your thumb. Hypothetically.

That being said, I thought we would never potty train W! I mean it. Granted, it has been a few years since we've had to play this game, but I remember what worked with the big kids but apparently forgot everything I just said. Basically, bribes in the form of small candy-coated chocolates worked wonders with the first one and lots of time and patience with the next one. However, I began to resolve myself to the fact that we just might have to graduate from pull-ups to Depends in order to accommodate W.


Then for a few glorious weeks, he was a pro. We had two weeks of nearly accident-free potty perfection! And I began to think we had this thing under control and wow! isn't it nice not to have two kids in diapers and pull-ups, and this is so great! And I may have actually said out loud something stupid like "no more pull-ups for us!"


Heh.


Then W began this peculiar parody that my husband coined "circular logic." I'm not sure that adequately describes the phenomenon that occurred. It was more like counter authority-control assertion.


Better known around here as CA-CA.


After our short-lived time in potty paradise, it was as if he thought to himself... This potty thing is not such a big deal. I can do it. So what?! It's kinda boring. Wanna see Mama twitch? Watch this...


And then conversations like the following took place EVERY DAY.


running through the house

W: DON'T SMELLLLLLLL ME!



upon first occurrence, remaining impressively calm


Me: Wyatt, come here. You've been such a big boy; why did you poop in your pull-up?

W: Because I wanted to poop in the potty.



thinking I've misunderstood and need a follow-up question for clarity

Me: Then why didn't you use the potty?

W: Because I didn't want to poop in my pull-up.

Me: Whuh?



Picture with me: DAY 39



growing increasingly annoyed

Me: WHY did you poop in your pull-up?!

W: Because I WANTED to poop in the POTTY!!

Me: THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU?!?!?!?!?!?!

W: BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO POOP IN MY PULL-UP!!!!!!


becoming itchy and twitchy and witchy and yeah, you get the idea.

Me: AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!



There is not a judge (or parent) in the world who would have convicted me at that moment. Had me committed? Probably. But convicted? Nope, not a chance.



Yep. These are the kinds of talks that can make a parent certifiably insane.



I am happy, yet reticent to report, that W is FINALLY potty-trained. Lest I jinx myself or have him overhear and somehow misinterpret this new calm in the house as boredom on my part.



I have to wrap up this post now because it's a little difficult to type while crossing your fingers, knocking wood and doing the tribal dance while chanting: I AM NOT BORED. I AM NOT BORED.



Just sayin'.