spin this

Ok. So today I washed what I swear must be the four-hundred-and-thirty-seventh load of laundry for what feels like the tenth day this week...and what do I find? Paper...washed, dried, and now shredded into a bazillion tiny pieces that cascade out of the dryer when I open it. The rest of the statically charged pieces are stuck to every other piece of freshly laundered clothing. ARGH! I just grumble to myself and continue unloading the dryer. What else do I find? A pocket knife, hair ribbon, ponytail holder, action figure, faded receipts and money. YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME! Well, at least it wasn't the ENTIRE WALLET this time!

I'VE HAD IT! I've washed jeans that somehow have one leg normal and the other inside-out. How do you do it? Am I living with contortionists? Socks wadded into a ball, one packed tightly inside the other. Do we not supply you little people with enough toys? Must you make baseballs out of your dirty socks? Shirts with one arm dangling and the other one mysteriously tucked inside. Am I missing something? Are you trying to make me crazy? And now a plethora of the most random things comes tumbling out of the dryer!

THIS IS IT! CONSIDER YOURSELVES WARNED! From this day forward, you bring it down, I'll wash it. Pretty simple, eh? I WILL NOT, however: empty your pockets, turn your socks right-side-out or your shirts or boxers or jeans or tighty-whities or whatever else you seem to mangle while placing in the laundry basket. I spend what amounts to an entire wash cycle detangling, turning around, shaking out, and otherwise "preparing" clothes to be washed. NO MORE! My clothes somehow seem to make it to the laundry just fine. What's wrong with the rest of you, I humbly ask? Is it so hard to check your pockets? Is it too difficult to place your garments right side out in the basket? This is not brain-surgery people!

AND ANOTHER THING...finders keepers. If I find anything of value that I wish to keep that you have carelessly left in your pockets, I will consider it your generous tip to the laundress who daily scales Mt. Washmore on your behalf. Thank you in advance for your undoubted contribution to my cause.