2 Year Old Receives Pink Slip

Dear Almost Three-Year-Old:



Due to the recent and marked change in your behavior, I feel the need as CPO (Chief Parenting Officer) to inform you that it is our desire to reconstitute the governance to which we had all grown accustomed, and our highest priority is to reestablish some semblance of order. I also wish you to know that while we will diligently seek a peaceable reconciliation, we are prepared to take further action as necessary, some of which may be categorized as desperate drastic measures. We will not succumb to your attempts at subversion. Consider yourself on notice.


Due to your litigious nature as of late, many have hypothesized the catalyst of such a marked change. Some theories include:

a) ingestion of a foreign, presumably toxic, substance

b) having been temporarily overtaken by an extra-terrestrial given to fits of rage

c) the mastication of multitudinous quantities of bananas resulting in simian-like behavior

d) the receipt of a blow to the head, either self-induced, or by a sibling, effectuating the similitude of a tiny terrorist


While these hypotheses have been taken into careful consideration, it has come to our attention that most "experts" (sans children) consider the causation of this change to be an expected phase, and in their professional opinion, cavilling and cavorting in even the strangest of ways falls within their own defined "normal" limits.



heh.



That being said, as CPO, I am willing to continue our working relationship and to allow you to continue to reside in your current domain, receiving the same level of care and compensation to which you are accustomed in the form of unconditional love and hugs, clean laundry, hot meals, *toys with which to play (see below for details), the reading of books, and a timely change of wet/soiled disposable undergarments pursuant to, and in spite of, your abhorrence of said toilet training. (additional explanation below)


While it is my intention to make every effort toward a peaceable resolution, there are several behaviors which will not be tolerated.


For example:


While you are free to play with the myriad of play things available to you (as long as they are put away when not in use and handled in the manner in which they are intended), *the throwing of said play things will result in their immediate removal from the premise.


And consider yourself warned, that the (presumed) fit that follows the abeyance of toy privileges will also not be tolerated and may result in the precision usage of duct tape.


The grace period for your aversion to toilet training is nearing its end. Obviously, you are not in any way moved by beatings berating and bribes in the form of small candy-coated chocolates. Fine. Just know that while you are free to continue in this barbaric and boorish behavior, the day is fast approaching when I will no longer be your succor (or your sucker) in this area. If one day you suddenly find yourself standing naked in the middle of the yard with baby wash in one hand and the garden hose in the other, remember that you were duly warned. And bathe the dog while you're at it, would you?


Banging your head when you are angry does not hurt me; it only leaves sizable lumps on your noggin. Please stop.


Your categorical determination to scream your head off while riding in the van unless I am holding your hand is growing old and hyperextending my shoulders which gives me momentary lapses and visions of driving into a tree. Please stop.


While I recognize there exists a small language barrier between the CPO and yourself, it grows smaller by the day, and will no longer be considered an excuse to ignore or otherwise disobey said requests and/or commands. Comprendez-vous?


While everyone is entitled to change their mind, your incessant indignation over your cup being filled with the wrong drink, the precise one you requested, by the way, is, well...crazy. I think there is medication for this kind of crazy.


And lastly, yes, I know that you cannot yet read. I taught you to communicate through speech, and frankly, I question the wisdom of that decision at least once every hour on a daily basis, especially when you respond to conciliatory requests with screams and shouts of, "NO! I NOT DO DAT!" You will be taught to read one day, but until then, I am referring you to the EPO (Executive Parenting Officer), better known as Daddy, for any questions you may have concerning this notice.


The CPO is out to lunch until further notice.



Sincerely,


The CPO

Better known as Mommy.